“Go to London, I guarantee you’ll either be mugged or not appreciated. Catch the train to London, stopping at Rejection, Disappointment, Backstabbing Central and Shattered Dreams Parkway.”

"Back of the net!"

“I find it amazing how many people still think the petrol cap on a Ford Focus is offside rear.”

“Actually, Chris Rea lives in the area. I could have had him over. ‘Alright Chris!’, ‘Hello Alan I didn’t know you’d moved in’, ‘Yeah, just moved in, last week. I’m having a barbecue, fancy coming over?’, ‘I’d love to! Do you mind if I bring my guitar?’, ‘I’d rather you didn’t, it’s not that kind of area. Do you like Mini Kiev’s?’, ‘I love them! But my wife’s vegetarian’, ‘Doesn’t matter. She can have fish’, ‘No she won’t eat that either’, ‘Oh forget it!. You people’.”

“The temperature inside this apple turnover is over 1,000 degrees. If I squeeze it, a jet of molten Bramley apple will squirt out. Could go your way; could go mine. Either way, one of us is going down.”

"Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan!"

“Lynn’s a good worker, but I suppose she’s a bit like Burt Reynolds. Very reliable, but she’s got a moustache.”

“You get all these wine people, don’t you? Wine this, wine that. Let’s have a bit of red, let’s have a bit of white. Oh, this smells of, I don’t know - basil. Sometimes you just want to say, sod all this wine, just give me a pint of… mineral water.”

"Well Sonja, that was classic intercourse."

"Kiss my face!"

“I know lying is wrong, but if the elephant man came in now in a blouse with some make up on, and said ‘how do I look?’ would you say, bearing in mind he’s depressed and has respiratory problems, would you say ‘go and take that blusher off you mis-shapen headed elephant tranny’? No. You’d say ‘You look nice John’.”

“Let me tell you something about the Titanic: people forget that on the Titanic’s maiden voyage there were over 1000 miles of uneventful, very pleasurable cruising before it hit the iceberg.”

“This chemical toilet is a Saniflow 33, now this little babe can cope with anything, and I mean anything. Earlier on I put in a pound of mashed up Dundee cake, let’s take a look… not a trace! Peace of mind I’m sure, especially if you have elderly relatives on board.”

“Smell my cheese, you mother!”